Womens Health

Learn to Let Go After a Miscarriage

A miscarriage is, certainly, a very difficult experience for most people. It doesn't matter whether this is your first miscarriage or your eighth; and it doesn't matter if you lost the baby at 10 weeks or at 20. Your hopes and expectations have been suddenly altered and you are allowed - and expected - to be anything from disappointed to devastated. It's very important to recognize that people deal with grief in different ways and to allow room both for your feelings and for those of your husband.

Anger At How He Adjusts

Many women find themselves feeling isolated after a miscarriage because they deal with it in a different way than their husbands do. Why isn't he crying? Why isn't he angry or sad or frustrated? While some husbands will certainly experience these emotions, others won't. And it may be difficult for the woman to see that she is having such different experiences after the miscarriage than is the partner. It is very important for the two of you to remain open and honest with each other. It's also very important not to be judgmental of each other. You will grieve and experience the miscarriage in different ways and that's alright. You need to recognize that you may not both feel the same things at the same times and allow each other the space that you need. Keep your communication open - and seek couple's counseling if you feel yourselves drifting apart.

Stages of Grief

It's important to know that psychologists identify five main stages of grief. They are denial, anger, guilt, depression and then acceptance. Don't expect to go through them in a neat line with a set amount of time for each. These stages work in a more circular way than do some other stages of emotions and that's alright. One day you may think that you've reached acceptance and then find yourself feeling angry again. Another day you may feel depressed and then find yourself in denial momentarily. Eventually, you will move through these stages and will be able to move on. Hopefully, this will not take too long, but you need to move at your own pace.

Getting Help Elsewhere

It's also very important when you are dealing with miscarriage grief not to only use your partner for support. Find guidance and a shoulder to cry on somewhere else as well. Speak with good friends or family members. Find a support group for women who have miscarried. Make a few appointments with a therapist. Explore your emotions in some art therapy. Speak to a spiritual leader. Any and all of these suggestions can help you to deal with your emotions and to connect with people who have experience in this area and who can help you.

Make It Tangible

One very nice idea after a miscarriage is to make a tangible item that can remind you of the person you lost. Since you've miscarried, there isn't a grave to visit or a picture of the person to look at. You can plant a tree in your garden where you can sit and enjoy. You can paint a picture of your pain and your experience. You can donate money somewhere in the memory of this time of your life. Try to come up with some way to market the experience so that you'll have a tangible reminder, and eventually, a way to move on.

Take Care of Yourself

Finally, make sure that you take care of yourself. When you are depressed, or dealing with heavy emotions, it's common not to take care of yourself. Try to eat right, to get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and to pamper yourself. Exercise will help to increase your energy and to boost your emotional state while eating right will keep your body strong. Enjoy yoga, pilates, swimming, or some other activity that will keep you feeling good and taking care of yourself. Go for a facial or a massage to nurture your body and get outside of your head for a bit.

Remember that over 15% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. You are not alone with your experience and you will, hopefully, look back on this as a small bump on the road that led to a beautiful child. Until then, try to communicate, take care of yourself and seek the guidance that you need to grow stronger and to move on.


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